Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.