If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
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what do you want!!!!!!!!
Beauty and the Beast
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours