911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
You Might Also Like
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]