I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
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BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
My first son he is wonderful
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.