Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
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Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?