[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
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Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I had to Stop for this
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*