Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
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So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.