I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
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The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
🤣🤣💀
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.