[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
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Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo