Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
You Might Also Like
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.