The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
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My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
new career option?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.