I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
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If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.