richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
You Might Also Like
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Succinctly put.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them