Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
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WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
the battle rages on
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.