Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
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Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.