A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!