Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
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Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Ron is short for Aaronald
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I put the h in mysterious.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.