Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
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thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus