Goat cheese is for herders.
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5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
They did not think through this water fountain
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.