My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
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My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.