In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.