[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
the three branches of government
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
#Caturday
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense