Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
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Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
HR said no more nunchucks.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
This week’s mood.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?