Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
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Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried