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[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat