*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
You Might Also Like
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
When someone says you are so lazy
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
3% human
97% stress
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
#Caturday
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.