I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
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“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Do one person every day that scares you.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
so i’m at the stock market right
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Hamburger Hinderer.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
how it started vs how it ended
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog: