I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
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yes, those are my real potatoes.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were