Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
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Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.