A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
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Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Oh deer
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.