A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Cake!!
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Money is the root of all wealth
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”