My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS