I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Actually cracking up @ this
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
incredible book dedication
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.