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My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.