*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
You Might Also Like
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*