Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
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My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I have two kinds of followers
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?