I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
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them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.