Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
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[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I saw this ending much differently.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.