Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
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I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”