a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
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I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I triple waxed for this?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
When you’re Kinky but poor
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Body by sandwich.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.