One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
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One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Bread puns are on the rise!
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.