God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.