Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
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Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Sharon, call the vet
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.