One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
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[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.