bugs when you lift up a rock
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great