A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Worst Native American name ever.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.