sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
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This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!