Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
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Every haunted house movie:
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.