“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
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Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.