handsome & gretel
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Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
What the hell happened in there??
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
constantly working on myself.